Uh-uh, how can he be gone?

Most of you didn't know this kid.  And my baby is no more special than yours but Junior was like living light.  He never complained, he was so good, so happy, so funny, so caring.  How can that kind of life die?  Tell me all you want that he is with God or Jesus or whoever the fuck else, or in a better place, or looking down on us, it's all bullshit.  I need to know what happened to that bright shining light that was Junior.  I ask the stars, I pray for God to give me peace, I look everywhere for a sign.  Nothing.  Baby, are you OK?  We miss you so much, mommy needs to know that you are safe and warm and happy.  I am so sorry, so fucking sorry. 

A Peek

A Peek Into Heaven

By Callie Sanders Thornton
Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
And heaven seems so far away.

Is he playing on the clouds with angels?

Is he laughing and running today?
Does he miss me?
I guess only he knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of his sweet smiling face,
I promise I won't try to take him,
I know, he's in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
And heaven seems so far away...

Almost made it

The grief comes out of nowhere like a punch in the gut.  Baby, I miss you so much.

“It is such a secret place, the Land of Tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Day Two - Adjustment begins.

So now the hard part is adjusting to not being Jr's full time care giver. I must have worn a groove in the floor to the couch because I cannot walk through the living room with stopping at the place where he was his little bed was on the couch.  In the past four weeks, Jr. needed nearly round the clock attending with medicine administration, monitoring stats, suctioning out secretions, hooking up TPN feeds, and, of course, repositioning.  I do not know how I was going to cope with it for much longer.

You hear about others who begin to "wish" for the passing of a terminally ill loved one to ease thier suffering.  I have to be honest, it works both ways.  When I would have those thoughts, I felt very ashamed and guilty.  As only mothers know the lengths they would go to for their child.  I am still coping with that. 

The funeral is set for Thursday.  Here is the link to the online obit  - http://www.jhenrystuhr.com/.  Please take a moment light a candle for my shining star,  The obit will also be in Thursdays Detroit Free Press.

“It is such a secret place, the Land of Tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Comfort

“I'll look as if I'm dead, and that won't be true.'
I said nothing.
'You understand. It's too far. I can't take this body with me. It's too heavy.'
I said nothing.
'But it'll be like an old abandoned shell. There's nothing sad about an old shell...'
I said nothing.
'It'll be nice, you know. I'll be looking at the stars, too. All the stars will be wells with a rusty pulley. All the stars will pour out water for me to drink...'
I said nothing.
'And it'll be fun! You'll have five-hundred million little bells; I'll have five-hundred million springs of fresh water...'
And he, too, said nothing more.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Day One

No luck, it wasn't a nightmare.  The sun rose today and the world kept going.  Dammit.

There's my little chunk at about 6 months old.  Always happy, he was so good at being happy.

Going today to make arrangements for the funeral.  I will update as soon as we get back.

Manfred Josef Froehler Jr. 06/21/2008 - 01/15/2012

Peace

Junior passed away at 6:58 this evening.  He was in my arms, his brothers and dad were all with him.  He is my hero.  Mommy is so proud of you.  Fly away baby.

There is more I want to tell you, but I think I may think on it for a while.  Still so numb, unbelieving.

Waiting

So now we are done, hope for recovery is gone.  His MRI last week showed progression of the Leptomenengial Disease and his ventricles are filled with fluid, causing pressure on the brain.  We are not continuing chemo.  He is really stable right now, the morphine drip pump has been added to his long list of apparatus that has moved into our home to keep him comfortable.  He dosn't respond at all except for a small eye blink once in a while, he doesn't hold on to our fingers anymore.  What is he waiting for?  It is so hard to see him like this, when he be ready to fly away from this world and that sweet little body.  He is so strong and mommy is so proud of the fight he has put up.  You would think that I would eventually dry up and run out of tears.  But when I think of the future without him and his potential that is wasted, it breaks my heart and the tears come again.